Show Notes - Holding Space

Uncategorized Aug 01, 2020

Hello, my friends, Peggy Moore here with Discover Your Personal Power Podcast.  Check out my website at Peggy Moore Discover Your Personal power.  I have added several fun worksheets as I am working on a workbook called the Personal Power Pathway.  It is fun and colorful and will go perfect in your journal or just by itself. Check it ou. 

It is a rainy day here in Okinawa. Which kind of sums up my mood a little bit for the week.  It has been an emotional week for me. I love living in Okinawa and my husband and I have amazing jobs, but sometimes it is really hard to really get a feel for what is going on back in the US. I often feel like the news is so biased that I have to look at numerous sources to really try to understand the problem. The riots and turmoil in the United States have really had me struggling a little. 

I am back taking grad classes this week.  I took about 6weeks off to work on my coaching program and get my website up and get the podcast started and now I am trying to get my Masters finished up.  I am getting my Master in Psychology and Addiction counseling and I had an assignment this week to write down my emotion throughout the day and then do some thought work around those emotions.  I love how what I am learning in college goes hand in hand with Life coaching. And we also talked about “holding space” So I have done a lot of thought work encompassing several issues but the one I have loved the most is practicing “holding space” for those we love and care about. 

I have been thinking a lot this week about what it means to “hold space” for someone…. In my different interactions with different people. 

Holding space means

Giving people the opportunity to authentically be who they are. To give them a space to say what they want to say, feel what they want to feel without judgment. To allow for authenticity and vulnerability

Holding space allows people to find their own truths from within, without feeling the pressure to succeed in our specific paradigm of success. 

Holding space is about being supportive in the way people need you to be supportive. 

Holding space is simply walking along the path with another and allowing them to feel our presence, our energy, and unconditional support.  Allowing them to fall apart, to be angry, to be hurt, to be sad, whatever they need to feel without being judged. 

Holding space is sitting with compassion and empathy without anxiously waiting to share our experience. 

When we jump to share our experience or interrupt, we don’t allow others to share their feelings, then we hurt our relationships.  It is difficult to connect with someone who does not want to hear your story.  If someone is unable to be authentic in your presence they will hide and they won’t show their true self, they will only show you what they think you want to see and your relationships will be superficial at best.

I think one of the biggest obstacles that can prevent us from really “holding space” for others is our own ego. The ego is that incessant need to see oneself in a positive light.

In the book Transcending Self Interest, Dr. Heidi Wayment and Dr. Jack Bauer talk about the “quiet ego.”

They say the “quiet ego” has “The volume of turned down so that it might listen to others as well as the self in an effort to approach life more humanely and compassionately.” The quiet ego approach focuses on balancing the interests of the self and others while cultivating growth 

The goal of the quiet ego approach is to arrive at a less defensive, and more integrative stance toward the self and others, not lose your sense of self but to cultivate an authentic identity that incorporates others without losing the self or feeling the need for narcissistic displays of winning. 

A quiet ego is where one acknowledges one’s own limitations, doesn’t need to constantly resort to defensiveness whenever the ego is threatened, and yet has a firm sense of self-worth and competence.

I loved this information about the quiet ego.  I think it shows great confidence in oneself to listen to others that may have different views than ourselves without judging or getting angry or trying to argue and debate with them. 

Keeping our ego in check. Holding space is not about us.  It is not about our experiences or even our feelings. Holding space means suspending our own sense of self-importance, our own personal concerns, and needs as part of making space for the other person.

I think Pride can get in the way of us “holding space” for those we love. 

Often times, Our pride simply wants us to take that space. We don’t want to accept someone else’s opinions and worldviews if they don’t match ours. We may feel like a part of us is breaking if we let someone else have another point of view, We want to stand up and fight.  And don’t get me wrong, I think there is a time and a place to stand up and fight, but that time is not when you are trying to connect and really “hold space” for someone else. 

Holding space for someone had no room for Judgment - Telling someone that they should feel a certain way or dismissing or disregarding their feelings as unnecessary, or silly, or not appropriate. We each have playbooks in our heads of how we think people should act in certain situations. And when we are seeking to “hold space” for others, we have to let go of those judgments and that playbook and let the other person be who they are and what they are and let them show up however they want to show up. 

Holding space means putting aside Personal distress or discomfort

If we are uncomfortable showing emotion or being with someone else who is showing emotion, then we probably need to get that straight in order to really be able to “hold space” for others.  

As we hold space for others, we have to realize it is not our job to try and fix the problem.  I am a Mother and a Nurse. 

We need to allow others to feel the way they feel and not let our own uncomfortableness to take over. Holding space is not about fixing or even giving advice.  

We have to deal with our crap first.  We can not feel pain and compassion at the same time.  We need to experience our pain and work through it before we can be truly open to others. 

Holding space means donating your ears and your heart without wanting anything in return. True empathy and compassion and accepting someone else no matter what they are, what they think or feel. 

Mourn with those who mourn and comfort those in need of comfort. Not by judging them or dismissing them or discounting their reasons. But by just loving. 

We are seeing a lot of pain right now.  There are a lot of people mourning and a lot of people angry, frustrated, and feeling defeated. We can gain a better understanding of pain, understanding discomfort, not only our pain but also a pain for the people around us and the people we love as we truly hold space

Holding space means putting your own wants and needs on hold and allowing the other person to just be who they are. Holding space requires radical humility and the willingness to be a temporary caretaker of the feelings and concerns of another.

Holding space is about allowing the other person to feel whatever they feel and allowing them to say whatever they need to say and allowing yourself to be whatever they need you to be right now. 

I kind of like the image of holding someone’s heart.  Holding space is allowing someone the opportunity to be vulnerable enough to let you hold their heart, the very thing that gives them life. knowing that you have to be gentle and soft because their heart may be broken or fragile. You can’t squeeze it and reshape it to be what you want of it, you can’t force your will on it, you just hold it softly and almost sacredly and Accept this moment as it is. Accept others as they are, without any desire to change them, or wanting them to be something different. 

Through the practice of holding space, you hold those you love’s heart in your hand.  It’s a powerful gift of presence that you can give to others through the quality of your attention.

I do think as with anything else being really good at “holding space.”  is a skill.  It is a skill that will help you create deeper meaningful relationships. 

“ A healer does not heal you.  A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer so that you may heal yourself.”  Maryam Hasnaa

I hope you guys enjoyed learning about Holding space.  What do you think it means to "hold space?" Leave a note in the comment section

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Until we meet again,

Peggy

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